Author : Xnurfz
=> so STFU NOW
Introduction
Crime Patrol is a revolver shooter and it's completely gay.
It was made originally for crackheads who enjoy playing in the arcades and then it got ported to certain GAY consoles like the 3do that no one gives a fuck about.
It's an opportunity because in most cases ports from the arcades are even shittier than the original but in the case of 3do (and especially those GAY American Laser Gaymes) it is no exception. This game sucks ass. That's all what can be said about it, FORE4LZ!
Story
The background is total bullshit and not worth mentioning, really. Some trigger happy cop draws his gun and shoots the TV. It's a bit similar to Mad Dog McCree (ANOTHER SHITTY GAME) but instead of being in the wild west the game is situated in a modern village.
There is a whole program to be followed and you don't start out as a member of the special forces. You begin the game as a completely gay renoi who has to bend over for every nigger in the shower. Along the way you encounter a bunch of wild dogs (or whatever it said in French).
Graphics
All scenes are filmed by some completely talentless dickhead. All the « actors » (LOL) look straight into the camera and talk to you as if they are on crack. The environment is hostile and violent and it is clear that all the scenes were shot without preparation and the main « actress » looks like a horse.
The action takes places in urban environments, streets, lobbies, underground GAY fetish clubs (like in irreversible), supermarkets and shops and whatever. Each scene is introduced with dialogues which are so bad that you will piss yourself with laughter. Anyway, something triggers the violence and you end up in a gun battle shooting some faggots.
Gameplay
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afkshakfshas#asdhahshs!ahahshsafafsh#aahsgsaddashdd!afkshakfshas#asdhahshs!ahahshsafafsh#aahsgsaddashdd!afkshakfshas#asdhahshs!ahahshsafafsh#aahsgsaddashdd!afkshakfshas#asdhahshs!ahahshsafafsh#aahsgsaddashdd!asdhah#assss!ffahshsaas#asaffsahhsasafafsjafafsjas!!
afkshakfshas#asdhahshs!ahahshsafafsh#aahsgsaddashdd!afkshakfshas
Atmosphere
That's the uberlame motto of the game. Your supervisor drills a big phallic object in your head and you are stuck with this hopeless trainwreck of a game shooting gangsters that look like... primary school teachers dressed like bad asses, except they are not. I think there is a dinosaur in that picture. Whatever.
Music / Sounds
I'm sick of this game and I don't feel like writing about the music or sounds in this POS. Instead I will review the music and sounds in Vagrant Story, one of the BEST playstation RPGs ever made. Hitoshi Sakimoto, who also composed the music for FFT, returns with his whole assortment of synthesized and orchestrated sound. Not knowing much about musical instruments, I can't really tell you what specific sounds he creates, but one thing's for sure, it's good. While the dungeons' ambient sound and low tone music don't try to steal the show, once you get to a cut-scene, you can expect some magnificent compositions. Sakimoto-san has a very distinct style and he uses his imagination fully on this soundtrack. It's very soothing and pleasing to listen to his amazing tracks and his ending credit composition could amaze even Mozart himself. As if this wasn't enough, the sounds themselves are the most amazing this side of Shenmue. Every spell, every weapon, every bird chirping, river flowing, people walking sound is masterfully recreated for your listening pleasure. By the way this review was TOTALLY stolen LOL!
Replay Value
There is a picture of a guy wearing a wig with the facial expression of someone who has a baseball bat forced up his ass, without vaseline. That pretty much sums up this game.
Conclusion
This game is gayer then Bockar. Don't play it.
